My husband came back from a business trip last night so I got to go for a walk by myself this morning. He leaves at 6 a.m. so, when I begin my jog/walk, the sun is just coming up. It was a marvelous jog to Starbucks and a wonderful walk home. We don’t have this great view of the city, but the sunrise was just as pleasing. Ah, moody mommy is in a good mood today.
Sunrise over Chicago ( from a website Tabblo by Crusing):
My mother-in-law asked if I was “back to normal.” I had my D & C this week and I felt like myself again (but now I’m bleeding again which is not supposed to happen). My HCG levels are nominal so we know nothing is growing. The doc wanted to test the tissue but didn’t get enough. I guess we will never know what caused the miscarriage. So, am I back to normal? Not really. We thought our family was complete. After fantasies of a third child, I’m not so sure anymore. What I do know, is that I can’t go through another miscarriage. So our family will have to be complete. I planted it in my husband’s head that, somewhere down the line, I would like to take in a foster child. He looked at me like I was crazy. In my past life as an attorney, I served as a guardian ad litem to abused and neglected children. Boy oh boy do they need good foster parents. I don’t know how good I’d be, but at least I know I won’t abuse them like so many foster parents do. Yes, so many of these children are taken from their homes of abuse and neglect only to be abused some more by strangers (or other relatives). Anyway, it is just an idea I have had ever since I worked there. Since I was pregnant with a potential third, I could actually visualize our house with three children. I liked what I saw! I guess this feeling is “normal.”
Homer Simpson of Fox Television’s The Simpson’s by Matt Groeing
Yesterday was my son’s birthday party. That morning, I was called in by the doc to have an ultrasound. There is nothing in the sac (a blighted ovum?) and it is still the size of a four week old. My HCG levels are still going up, and even though my ovaries looked good, he is still a bit worried about an ectopic. I will have a D & C this week. The birthday party was exactly what I wanted and what I imagined living in the ‘burbs with a backyard would be like. The kids ran around in the sprinkler and had a fantastic time! We chatted with neighbors and family for hours. I really needed that after such sad morning news. By the time we put the kids to bed, I was exhausted! I passed out next to my daughter after reading her a story. My husband really earned his Happy Father’s Day — he totally cleaned up everything! I woke up at 10:30 p.m. and wandered downstairs to find the house totally in order. What a sweetie! I really feel lucky to have him. I think he feels sorry for me right now.
Don’t have work done on your house so that it causes the entire house to be covered in plaster dust while you are having a miscarriage and while your kids are home in between school ending and camp beginning and when your husband has to come home very late from work that day. Enough said.
Despite all the death, there are lots of things to celebrate around here. My children keep laughter in the house. I have my fresh veggies from the “garden.” This year, we had to relocate the garden to containers on our deck because a new storage shed covered up my garden space. I could have found another space, but I was feeling much too lazy to dig up the grass, till the soil, etc. This year we planted three different kinds of lettuce, Japanese Eggplant, two kinds of heirloom tomatos, basil, chives and a sweet pepper plant. Nothing is quite ready yet except for the basil, chives and lettuce. I’m about to go pick some lettuce right now for my salad. I think I could really like being a farmer. I’m not sure I’d be willing to work as hard as most farmers, but I really love the satisfaction of watching something grow and enjoying it. All of our plants are organic, of course. I buy my plants from the Green City Market in Chicago every year. I buy organic seeds from our local nursery. No pesticides are EVER used in our backyard. Even if you only have a balcony, I highly recommend growing something edible. It is a delicious and satisfying way to feel like you have actually accomplished something.
Death is in the air here at Moody Mommy’s house. In addition to my miscarriage, two our of our three fish died, our dog got two baby bunnies and he attacked a mommy bunny. We also had a dead bird sitting in our yard (I found out too late that the people monitoring West Nile Virus in our area would have liked to get their hands on that one). Earlier this week, after I turned on the tank light and began to put out the fish food for my daughter to sprinkle into the tank, I noticed that red line on the thermometer was way too high. The water felt like a hot cup of tea. To my horror, one of her fish was stuck to the heating unit. Another was dead on the bottom. I yanked the faulty heater out immediately. I managed to rescue the one alive by emptying half the hot water and replacing it with cold tap water. I was frantic and I’m sorry my daughter saw me that way. She got these fish for Chanukah this year. When the first fish died, she was inconsolable. We couldn’t have any sort of burial ceremony because the snail ate it. At the advice of her preschool teacher, we said some prayers. She colored a memorial to the next two fish that died and that picture is posted over her bed (where she wanted it). She didn’t seem that bothered by the tragic end to these last fish who were boiled to death. I, on the other hand, was really disturbed by the whole thing. Tonight was the last straw. Shortly after lighting the Shabbat candles, we heard a high pitched screaming coming from the backyard. My husband said he knew that sound well and ran out the back door. When he rescued the mommy bunny out of the jaws of our dog she tried to hop away but could only move its front legs. My husband yelled to me for the shed key. I knew he wanted to to get the big shovel to put it out of its misery, but I wouldn’t let him. There is no way I wanted to know that my husband could whack a bunny on its head, even to help the bunny die a quick death. We contacted animal control and they took more than ten minutes to come. She died in my arms wrapped in two towels. I think it was a more pleasant way to die instead of watching a man come at it with a shovel. Maybe she was just being nice, but the woman from animal control said I did the right thing. I just don’t think I can deal with any more death. Yeah, circle of life and all of that, but do I have to have so much death all in one week? Of course, I told my children that the mommy bunny will be all right. I had to spare them that. It took all my energy not to break down and cry in front of them.
On my way back from the ultrasound, I flipped on NPR for a bit of news (I had been sleeping most of the day). I could not believe my ears when I heard a report about Paris Hilton’s release from prison to house arrest. When I arrived home, I told my mom about it. She said, “All of that is a big ‘so what?’” While normally I agree with her, I am really really against driving drunk. In my opinion, it is no less dangerous than shooting off a gun on a public street. That person should be severely punished. I guess she had some sort of medical excuse to return home. I can only guess she had a mental breakdown. I have been in jails in my former life as an attorney and I would probably have a breakdown too. Anyway, I just wish that she, like anyone else who has decided to get behind the wheel drunk, will NEVER, NEVER do it again. Indeed, although I am Jewish and therefore disappointed by Mel Gibson’s anti-semitic and misogynist comments, I was much more upset that he was driving drunk! He has the right to feel and say whatever he wants, but he has NO right to put others in danger.
I had an ultrasound this afternoon. We saw a sac that was not in the right place (as if it were working its way out) and it measures barely 4 weeks (I should be at five and a half). Although it was not conclusive, my doctor said that, based on my measurements, the position of the sac, my bleeding and cramping, and my poor HCG levels, I am having a miscarriage. He said, “pending some miracle, this is it.” I will have another HCG level test Monday. If the levels are still creeping up, I could also have an ectopic, but this would be something like a 1 in 28,000 chance. We’ll discuss the need for another ultrasound on Monday after my hormone level tests are in. I don’t want another D & C. They cause scar tissue to form in the uterus and I have already had three (one after my daughter for a retained placenta and two related to my first miscarriage where the first one was incomplete). Plus, who wants to undergo surgery? I just want a definite answer. I will pray for a miracle, but my heart won’t let me expect one.
As stated earlier, my nurse midwife told me that my HCG (pregnancy hormone levels) are too low to maintain a pregnancy (from 201 to 216 in two days). I looked back at my pregnancy journal for my son. I was bleeding with his pregnancy. However, my hormone levels were great. They doubled as they were supposed to, and they were up to almost 1000 by this time in the pregnancy. I’m crampy and bleeding a lot. Every time I go to the bathroom I watch as those crimson red ribbons of death float down the drain. My husband has taken the day off of work and I am so happy about that. I told him to go, but he wants to be together as a family. The kids have no idea and I don’t want them to know.
My mother-in-law is that poster child. Providing more evidence against my own assumption that most people know how to react to news of a miscarriage, at the news that I’m pregnant, but that the pregnancy may be in trouble, my own mother-in-law responded, “Well, since it is so early and you’ve been through this before, I guess you won’t be too broken up about it.” Excuse me? How does one respond to that? My husband said, “Well you are wrong about that.” I was proud of him. Now I’m just sorry we told her to begin with. I felt we had to when I arrived home from another blood test with a big band aid on my arm to find her watching the kids (she stopped by and relieved my mom from babysitting duty). She also kept droning on and on about how she thought we didn’t want any more children. We tried ignoring her, but she must have repeated it five times! Finally, I replied in a very loud voice, “We were pleasantly surprised.” Oh but that didn’t shut her up. She said, “Oh, I thought I was done having grandchildren.” Enough already. Yesterday, I found out the blood test results. My HCG levels went from 176 to 201 to 216. That is VERY BAD NEWS. I started bleeding and cramping. The nurse midwife said the levels are so low that I am most definitely miscarrying. I will have an ultrasound later today to make sure it is not ectopic and to see what is going on. By the way, when my mother-in-law called this morning to say she was sorry about the miscarriage, she added, “I guess it is bittersweet.” I understand the bitter, but where is the sweet? I guess she has helped me b/c now I’m pissed at her instead of very sad for myself.
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